There are three things that needy people do—and this is not a comprehensive list; I did many more as well!
When we’re feeling needy, we tend to make these “space-filler” choices. And what I mean by that is (after a relationship ends) we have this big space, and it is so uncomfortable! We don’t really know what to do with it. People fill it with a lot of different things—dating is just one of them. But, here’s what we do… We look around, and we grab from what is immediately available because we’re in such a hurry to fill (the space). Instead of waiting and looking and making choices—waiting on what might be available later—we have to make a decision now.
When you think about the gifts that you pick on the way to the party as opposed to the kinds of things we’d choose when we really have time to shop, there’s a difference. When you are famished, the food you choose is probably not going to make some cute little Facebook or Instagram photo because it’s not going to be pretty! We’re trying to fill a need quickly.
It’s the same way when you’re dating from that place. A lot of men will gravitate again and again to a woman who takes advantage of their generosity. As women, a lot of times we like that security, so we’ll keep running back to (even) a bad relationship. We’re here (in the bad relationship), and it doesn’t feel right… We feel diminished—so we break off (the relationship) and then we’re over here (out of the relationship), but we have to confront that space again! And we don’t like it, so we run right back to the bad relationship…and then we’re doing the same thing again and again. We dig this rut for ourselves—we go down into it where you really can’t see much of anything. We’ve kind of blocked our view of what might be available forward.
We have to face the space.
We have to recognize that there is an opportunity cost when we are holding onto something. When we’re holding the wrong thing—we’re focused on it. We are totally unavailable to anything better. There’s a cost. (Holding onto a space-filler) might—temporarily—feel like a more comfortable place, but we’re losing something else that is valuable.
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